Rio. What a bore. Went through all the heats on the analyser and couldn’t find a single one I wanted to watch. Terrible waves. The world’s best demeaned by a rubbish breach break.
But there’s a solution to the WSL’s woes: Turn the tour into a popularity pageant. A new format that does away with heat scores and all the associated bother.
It’s simple: Every heat is still run, but the winner is decided through a public vote. Text in and have your say. All decisions made with the anonymous wisdom of the hive-mind.
What’s good surfing? That’s a question with thousands of answers, all of them subjective. But we do know panel judging is a failure. Adriano has a world title.
It’s time to fall into the soft, longing embrace of the flawed human condition. By nature we’re judgmental pricks. Time to harness this bitter truth in the name of entertainment.
Because in my new format no decision would need to be justified. Gabby does a flip but you don’t like the cut of his jib? A no vote for him. Doesn’t matter if he rode the better waves. Little bastard still loses.
Kolohe wears a white wetsuit again? Ding-dong. See you later.
Julian’s post-heat interview too diplomatic? Yawn. You’re gone.
Under my new entertainment-first format, Mick wins the title after he bashed that shark at J-Bay.
Slater would stop riding his banana boards. Any time one came out, thousands of frustrated viewers would vote him into another early-round loss.
The only crime would be boredom! Soon we have contests from a dystopian fever dream, complete with fist-fights and jousting poles.
All wildcards decided by the people, too. No trials events or KP’s captain’s picks. Just a crowd-sourced, flawless decision.
I’m pretty sure the infrastructure wouldn’t be too expensive either. All it would take is a real-time online poll or two. A small price to pay. Overnight the tour becomes interesting. They can even have the idea for free.
There’s some kinks to work out, sure. But how hard could it be?