There were waves on Sunday but I didn’t surf. It was too crowded, even by Sydney standards. Heard there was a fight as well, which is a rare occurrence. Sure, people have words every other day, but I could count on one hand the number of times it has come to blows (since I was a kid anyway) and have fingers to spare. I didn’t see it happen, but word was someone’s nose got pummelled sideways. There was blood in the water, the works.
I don’t think any wave is every worth becoming violent over. But it’s obvious there just isn’t enough fun to go around anymore.
Especially at our city beaches, there’s a lot of people who could use a reminder that the lineup works best as a vicious meritocracy, not an egalitarian ‘take-a-ticket’ fun-park where everyone gets a turn. Those days have been and gone though, so maybe we need some arbitrary rules.
We live in an age in which urbanite Westerners think they have a right to a peaceful life, in which nothing goes wrong and they are treated exactly the same as everyone else, no matter what. Blame our cotton-wool coddle-culture, fed with the wet pap of infantilised ideals, pre-digested into the easy mush bites of good versus bad, fair versus mean.
It is time for some hard decisions: The beginnings of a list of people who absolutely, under any circumstances, may be mercilessly burned. It’s not nice or pretty. It’s not long either. But adhering to these rules, and adding to them as required, will take some pressure out of city lineups that are bursting at the seams.
They are the cannon fodder sacrificed in the name of the greater good. It’s sad we’re even at this point, but that’s just how it is. If everyone gets on board there will be a few more waves for the rest of us.
Anyone with a POV camera in waves that are not double-overhead barrels
Anyone with a Point of View camera, or POV mount and/or accessories may be burned, no matter how well they surf. They are the selfie-stick dorks of the ocean, and, unless it is absolutely, life-threateningly pumping, have made the conscious decision to capture boring images of themselves head-bobbing over foaming white-water, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, instead of enjoying surfing for its own sake. They are A-grade narcissists at worst, morons at best, and no one should feel guilty — or even feel a need to explain themselves — after burning these people. Even if the surf is reasonably good, there is no excuse. If you need any proof, watch the GoPro footage from small-to-medium size barrels. You might as well just send the camera for a spin in a washing machine. Also worth keeping in mind: Anything you do on a surfboard looks about 30 per cent as good as it feels.
Anyone who won’t split a peak
You’ve seen them before. Surfers who, when faced with an A-frame that could be shared, insist on calling someone off. There’s no acceptable explanation for this. They could be delusional when it comes to their ability, certain that it’s essential they go left rather than right (or vis-versa) to work out their backhand, or perhaps they are just selfish. Either way, burn them.
Children under 14 whose ambition exceed their ability
I’ve noticed, at my very busy local beach, that small, spindle-limbed children do not think twice before calling older surfers off waves anymore. These are not super-groms, and, in fact, many are kooks. Their rich parents have told them how talented and special they are, and these lies have made them especially disagreeable. It is perfectly acceptable – as long as no one’s safety is in danger – to burn anyone under the age of 14. They have not paid their dues and should learn their place.
The abusers of excess foam
Everyone has an opinion on the place of long-boarders or SUP riders in the line-up, but this is neither the time nor the forum to discuss it. For the purposes of this list, what matters is that these surfers don’t use the length of their boards to repeatedly catch waves before anyone else has had a chance to even paddle. If they do this they are fair-game. Burn as you see fit.
The False Starter.
A hungry pack would rather see you commit and go horribly over the falls rather than pull back on one of the waves of the day. At least if you wipeout there is a certain entertainment value for the rest of the crowd. However, if you pull back after claiming the wave then you deserve to be dropped in on next time you attempt to take off. If you pull back without good reason and subsequently attempt to reclaim pole position in the lineup then you should be mercilessly burnt for the rest of the day.
Mr or Mrs impossibles – consistently too deep.
If you have been watching You Tube clips of Desert Point and Skeleton Bay and are convinced that it’s your destiny to become the deepest tube rider in the world that’s great. However, if you consistently take off too deep and subsequently blow anyone else’s chances of claiming the wave from a reasonable take off zone then you will be faded. Note: If you honorably decide that you are too deep it’s your responsibility to let the person just wide of you know that they should take the wave. Failure to do this also warrants a toasting should the situation arise again.
Please feel free to add any other suggestions about justified burnings.
